Sample: Journal

[specialagentskipper]

Today, Calvin turned 12. It bugs me out that in another life, if I were his mom, I'd have an almost teenager. Hell, I could have a teenager. Instead, Craig and Loreen do. People usually ask if I regret giving him up when they find out, and the truth is, yes and no. There's some kind of primal connection to your baby. I don't know how else to describe it. When he was born, he felt like mine. Sometimes I wish I knew what it felt like to really be a mom. To help with his homework and see him grow goofier by the day.

But my job is not conducive to being a good parent. He'd be with babysitters, daycare, after school programs, etc. . .probably more than he'd be with me. I'd miss things. He'd be hurt. They're great parents. He adores them. He knows about me, and we're cool. Sometimes when Loreen calls to give me an update I talk to him. He's a smart kid, and he deserves the world. I'm not his mom. But as his mother, I'm glad I gave him what I gave him.

And it's not the end of my relationship with him. Like I said, we talk. I get pictures. We're friends on Steam. Once I got to face time with him during a period where we had talked a fair amount over a few weeks, and he showed me all of his favorite things in his room. Talked about space and planets and stars for the longest time and I could have listened to him for hours. I see me in him. I see Jason in him. But even better than that I see my Dad and Josh in him.

Kids are trippy. I wondered when I gave him up if I'd have kids I was ready for by now, and at this point I'm getting to be an age where I don't know that that will ever happen, but it's okay. I made my contribution to another person's gene pool. At least I did it once and got to see what it was like without completely scarring him for life like my mother did to me. At least he never had to wonder if his Mom didn't love him.

Happy birthday, Cal.